Friday, September 17, 2004

No time for this blog- I gotta make moves, playas.

OK 5:15 and now I really must be going. So I don't have time for this, but I'll indulge- I've got things to do, people to see... Uh yeah. I'm a man on the move. I'm in the habit of doing things last minute as you can see. I have to work under pressure even when I'm blogging or whatever- Seriously though. I'm going to be in a play. I haven't even rehearsed my part yet and it's tonight. That's how last minute I am. No biggie, I don't even have any lines. Being in plays seems to provide relief from the monotony of daily life for me. It's a thing to do. Actually, I'm a wannabe famous actor, but when you don't really manage to act in but a few things a year, it starts to become more of an "avocation" as my grandmother used to say before she started to go crazy and lost all judgment of her morning breakfast never mind my choice in careers. I don't really feel too bad about it though. I like art and music and performing and all that stuff right? That's the stuff that I'm into and that I'm into talking about and making, so who gives a shit if i'm not making a living or famous, right?. She had a point though. Even today I kind of think it was my reluctance to admit the truth about my career that made me defensive of her comment rather than the fact that she was old fashioned or something and didn't understand the "arts".

Speaking of which, why do artists that don't make any money at it constantly have to moan about it? There's the constant feeling that you have to make other people think you take yourself really seriously. I mean, you could work at Mc Donalds and paint in your spare time, but when someone asks you about it you're supposed to be all enthusiastic and self-important about your art and stuff but all down on the Mc Donalds job. You're almost supposed to act like you're in denial about the fact that you haven't made it. I mean, no one wants to talk about working at Mc Donalds, but isn't that more interesting sometimes than listening to someone ramble on about all the "projects" they're working on and famous people who came to see their show blah blah... ? I mean, moaning about not having any money makes sense, but what's with all the attitude about how you should be supported? It's like I should feel bad because I'm not famous yet or something. Conversely, some people feel good because they aren't famous too, as if it's a statement or something. I feel like saying, "who said you had a choice?" As if they'd turn down some kind of huge endowment or grant so they could work two day jobs and cry at night. There's always those uncomfortable silences that follow people asking me what's the new thing that I'm doing. And then I start scouring the wastelands for something interesting to say. They can tell I'm scouring. We usually are standing at some gallery opening or some party, drinks in hand and the silence finally gets uncomfortable and I finally admit - nothing. No thing. I dunno- I guess most people who aspire to things like that are constantly fluctuating between wanting to forget all the pressures and work on stuff without all the judgement etc. and really wanting some recognitioin and compensation. In the end I'm not too pissed off about any of it. People have to find the right balance I guess. Truth is, I'm usually really organized about the plays that I'm in and I usually study up any lines I have etc... Mostly, I don't really have a huge attachment to this project, so I'm giving it the minimal treatment. It's only one night for christsake! Right? I'm not being too defensive am I? I'm a serious actor man! gotta go-

enjoy the evening-